Jealousy is a Friend I Hate but Know All Too Well! - The CCK Vol. 3
oliviavocals on TikTok
I hate feeling jealous or insecure about myself because those feelings rob me of any joy I have at the moment. Yesterday, I was thinking of what I should do with my hair because while I plan on getting my first sew-in, I haven’t booked a stylist yet, and I want someone based in DC or NYC. Not knowing what to do with my hair led me to over analyze my face, body, and beauty status. It was such a spiraling moment that caused me to cry and then nit-pick at The CCK and how it isn’t perfect yet. I know this sounds ridiculous, as there are only a few posts up, and I just started, but at the moment, I felt like I had already failed and should have given up. What did not help is that I have seen so many posts from amazing creators who do similar content but are more polished. I LOVE their posts, and their creativity is astounding! I have been trying to figure out how to make my editing more engaging and less cheugy. For weeks, I have been trying different editing styles on the backend, hoping to find something that speaks to me. In the meantime, everything posted has been trial and error. I know everything will fall into place, and I have to trust the process, though until then, I am finding it hard not to compare myself or my work.
Like many of the topics I write about, jealousy has been on my mind for quite some time. Recently, I have seen posts where influencers discuss dealing with hate; some are responding to valid criticism, and others are fielding comments about how easy things can be for them because they are wealthy and can afford the tips/advice/or life hacks they are promoting. Of course, these posts are getting popular, so naturally, conversations are splitting off from the original discussion, centering on jealousy. In my opinion some of the backlash creators and celebrities receive is due to jealousy because their lives are highly desirable. You get to be creative, set your hours, travel the world, live incredible lives, and work your way into spaces most people have to work decades to get access to at a much faster pace. On top of all that, you can “buy” your way into beauty or desirability, which, for women, is a gold mine as beauty is currency. (see previous post on Demi Moore and The Substance). It’s like being a mini pop star, which is iconic. **
*I would also like to point out that, I too, am doing the whole content creator journey which is why The CCK exists, so i do recognize the irony here
** Also, as a side note, I would like to mention that society puts women against each other, so if you are feeling jealousy, know that it is also coming from external forces as well
I can get jealous or competitive with women who have something I desire regarding their career, lifestyle, or if they are very pretty. I have spoken about this in previous posts, but I have always struggled with self-image, and building confidence which has led to me experiencing jealousy and self-doubt. I believe jealousy is normal, and I don’t think emotions are inherently bad. What matters is what you do with those feelings once you recognize that you are experiencing them. When I feel jealous of a thin, successful, and beautiful girl, I try to ask myself questions while decentering those traits as the only thing that matters. For instance, when I felt terrible about myself the other day and compared myself to other women online, I tried a new hairstyle. This sounds so basic, but it really helped! I also did my makeup and wore an outfit I felt confident in, which drastically improved my mood.
Jealousy and self-doubt go hand in hand. The two feelings work together to convince people that they should feel bad about themselves and wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, they shouldn’t aim for more because they know they are going to fail anyway. To combat this, you must reflect on your emotions and be honest. This can be hard because we moralize feelings, but if you never acknowledge that you get jealous, then you can never get over your jealousy. Jealousy is something that all too often gets held over women as a gotcha tool. Whenever we are faced with something, the easiest way for someone to make us feel morally wrong is by telling us that we are just jealous. Never mind if our original argument was about a legitimate issue or focused on a valid grievance you may have had. Jealousy is something to be looked down on even though it is used against us all the time. From marketing campaigns that make you want to be another girl to content that creates perfect lifestyles to being used as a leverage device in personal relationships, jealousy is all around us.
To provide some more context about my spiral moment regarding my beauty, for the past couple of years, I have been in survival mode. Like many people, I deal with anxiety, bouts of depression, and feelings of helplessness combined with self-doubt. Despite it all, and largely thanks to my lovely mom and my friends, I have managed to find a way back to myself after every breaking point. I am very proud of myself for always finding healthy ways to recenter and refocus on the goal in mind, which was growing my career and moving to NYC. With my mental health challenges came physical changes as well. Although I had always been curvy, thicker, or mid-sized my entire life before the onset of the pandemic, I felt a lot better about myself. I was working out, I lived in a very walkable city, and I developed a personal grove with myself. Post the pandemic, everything changed. I had to move back home (to a city I never wanted to return to in the first place), I struggled to find a job, and the once-healthy lifestyle I had so carefully built in college was crumbling around me. After four years of personal growth and starting my master's program this fall in NYC, I am thrilled to be here! While it has been challenging, I wouldn’t change a thing that I have gone through because I know change is around the corner (and it will be even better than before).
Feeling jealousy isn’t wrong, nor does it make you a bad person; lashing out and not dealing with your feelings can, though. A hard lesson I learned as well is that part of your jealousy is your own fault. While there are many things in our lives that are beyond our scope of control, some things are. For a long time, I was jealous of other creators because they were brave enough to do something I felt I could never do. They were putting themselves out there and living unforgettable experiences while I was making lists of reasons why I could never create anything or risk putting myself out there. At some point, I had to be honest with myself. I had to stop breathing life into other people’s dreams because I was too afraid to follow my own. While my content can be improved, I am delighted it exists, and every post makes me happy (and proud). Jealousy is normal, and so is putting a plan in place to adjust whatever is in your life that is making you compare yourself.
The last thing I will say is be inspired by others. Months ago, I told my mom that I had stopped watching New York apartment tours because I felt terrible about myself. She told me I was watching content incorrectly and should focus on getting ideas or feeling inspired by creators. This helped me because instead of engaging with content from the standpoint of lacking, I started viewing creators as living mood boards. What I could have was within my reach, and I had to get out of my way to see that. Being jealous is one thing, but being jealous and not deciding to make a change is another. I know this is a lot easier said than done and trust me, I still battle with feelings of inadequacy all the time, but I have also made it a priority to work through those feelings instead of ignoring them.
To conclude this long ramble, I want to reaffirm that feelings are typical, not moral indicators. Also know that how you are feeling can be temporary and caused by external factors (marketing, social media, beauty trends, pop culture, politics, etc) but also triggered by your own life experiences. You are not a bad person for feeling jealous or insecure! Also, know that working on navigating those feelings can be complicated/nuanced. Below are some of the questions I started asking myself to help whenever I am emotionally spiraling. I hope this helps, and as always, know you are excellent, worthy of all your dreams, and deserve it all!! I also wanted to list some creators' videos on social media and beauty standards below.
1). Why do I feel this way- be honest
2). What type of content have I been consuming lately, and does that make me feel good about myself
3). Can I change what I am feeling down about, and if so, what natural/sustainable ways can I implement to change
4). Have I gone on a walk, stretched out, or sat outside today
5). Is this thing I feel insecure about an indicator of my worth or value
6). CALL YOUR MOM AND FRIENDS!! 💙
Olivia Rodrigo - jealousy, jealousy (Lyric Video)
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Songs of the Week
JENNIE - Starlight (Official Lyric Video)
I love this song because she discusses wanting to make her mom proud and her navigating her public image. As a girl who is very close with her mom this song deeply resonates.
Something that has helped me with my self image is starting to view long songs as a message to myself. Loving You by Minnie Riperton was originally about her daughter, Award winning Actress and Comedian Maya Rudolph.
Beyoncé - MY ROSE (Official Lyric Video)
Similar to Loving You, My Rose was a lullaby for Sir Carter and I am very grateful Beyoncé shared it with us! This song is so beautiful and I wish I could live the words if that makes sense.
background image video - Olivia vocals on Tiktok